‘Am I likeable?’: How your weakness might reveal your inner strength

By: Stephanie Weichert

Republished with permission. View article on Military1.com.

You pick the conversation apart.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” you think to yourself. “They’re going to think I’m weird.”

The conversation replays itself in your mind and by the end of listening to it for the second time, you’re convinced you sound like either a blithering idiot or a hardened, selfish person.

How likeable are you?

That depends on who is answering – you or them. If you’re answering and your confidence is a little weak at the knees, the answer is probably “not so great.”

Why?

Because you are your own worst critic. It’s like not being able to see the rest of your face because of the pimple you found on your nose when you woke up. It’s all you see and you’re sure it’s all everyone else  sees too.

Let’s say you have a penchant for the intellectual side of life. You might worry that others see you as arrogant. Perhaps you’re spiritual. You wonder if you come across like a Bible-banging fanatic.

The truth is, under all the negative self-talk nonsense, you’ve probably run into one of your greatest strengths.

Deep under the layer of bravado lies the little nagging thought about your best and brightest strength. That thought frequently tips the proverbial rock of your greatest attribute and exposes the worms. You find you’re not 100% perfect and your strength has a soft underbelly you’d rather not expose. It’s a vulnerable part of you that you’d rather hide. When it does come out, you start the inner flogging.

The problem?

You might not even recognize this more vulnerable part of you as a strength. In a workshop for the military, one soldier spoke about being obsessive compulsive and talked about how his relationship had emotionally flat-lined. While this short article is not a commentary on obsessive compulsive behavior, I can say he did exactly what I’m referring to. He focused on the words, “obsessive compulsive” and the ugly ways it manifested in his life and relationship. In turn, I pointed out to this soldier that he was probably highly attentive to detail at work. He agreed. Just beyond his perceived greatest weakness was one of the best parts of his personality.

So, if his perceived weakness was actually not a weakness, then what was it?

Perhaps his strength, which he thought to be a weakness, was keeping him disconnected from both feeling and being loved.

In The Gifts of Imperfection, author Brene Brown discusses the topic of vulnerability and connection. “When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving… True belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

This soldier had developed walls to protect himself and his “problem.” He, like many of us, figured if he could keep people out, he could deal with his problem without the risk of rejection. Many of us are similar. We prefer to keep the walls high to protect ourselves.

It’s a catch-22.

In order for people to know you, they have to see you—all of you. Being exposed is scary and leaves you vulnerable. But your brightest strength will only shine as brightly as you are willing to let people see the weakness that lurks underneath.

In her TED talk, Brene Brown further discusses the notion of vulnerability. According to her research, the part of you that can experience hurt and failure is the same part that can experience creativity and love. You have to be willing to expose yourself to the negative in order to get to the positive.

Truth be told, you’re probably more likeable than you imagine. Others appreciate your strengths and they don’t mind the weaknesses nearly as much as you do. It might surprise you that what they really like about you is your ability to  be vulnerable and show who you really are.

Photo Credit: Andre Furtado