Strategy #3: Change The Story

Excerpt From The Book: “Everything I Would Have Said.” (pg. 33)

By: Stephanie Weichert

 

THE POWERLESS STORY

During one of his large conferences, best-selling author and business coach Tony Robbins shared an anecdote to show how people can talk themselves out of seeing what’s right in front of them.

He described a family having dinner at their dining room table. The mom turned to her young son and asked him to go get the salt from the kitchen. Not wanting to do the task, the boy sighed loudly as he stomped off. “I don’t know where the salt is,” he called, staring blankly at the spices. “Mooooooom, come help me!”

Not leaving her seat, mom responded, “It’s in the cabinet to the left of the microwave.”

As his frustration grew, the directions were lost on the boy. “I can’t find it!” he repeated. “It’s not here!”

Mom quietly walked into the kitchen and stood behind her aggravated child. Much to his surprise, she pulled the salt (which was at eye level in front of him) off the shelf.

Many of us have experienced this story for ourselves. When the boy said he couldn’t find the salt, he effectively told his brain it wasn’t there. It was as though he made an agreement with himself to not see it, even though it was sitting in front of his face. His capacity to see became congruent with what he believed. His words became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although the salt could have been easily found, his beliefs placed a limitation on his ability.

Our negative beliefs about our future will place the same limitation on our ability to see success.

THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES

The way we think about and tell our stories either motivates us or limits us. When we believe we can’t be successful, we prevent ourselves from recognizing our achievements.

At some level, each of us has such a story. When something doesn’t meet our expectations, we equate that to failure. When a situation with a family member, friend or acquaintance goes badly, we may think of ourselves as unlovable or unworthy. We personalize the pain. It feeds our perceived lack of self-worth. Additional negative stories continue to feed this lie. The pain reinforces the feeling of isolation leading to an inability to create positive emotion.

To restore our power, we have to examine the story from a different perspective. We need to see ourselves in the driver’s seat—in control of our future.

We must become the hero in our story.

BRAIN RESEARCH

According to brain researcher Dr. Caroline Leaf, repeating positive thoughts is like water and sunshine to a tree. They grow and become stronger. Our thoughts release chemicals, and the chemicals “create emotions that reflect those thoughts. If the emotions are negative, the chemicals produced can create stress and sickness. However, the brain can form new pathways if we intentionally build a new way of thinking. This is the precursor for new actions.

To change our circumstances, we have to begin with different thoughts. We have to challenge our false story of hopelessness, where we’re the victim, or too far down the wrong path to recover. Some circumstances are beyond our control. But many times, we make poor choices because we don’t believe we have the power to create our future.

Going back to Tony Robbins’ example of the boy who couldn’t see the salt, we can believe our old story to the point where we cripple our ability to see any other ending. It can make us feel small and keep us from connecting with others.

We can dredge up the same anger, the same shock, the same feelings of unworthiness we’ve always had, or we can change our mental image. Either way, our story will influence our nervous system. Moving forward begins with telling that story then, reframing the story and recasting ourselves as the hero—not the downtrodden victim, or worse, the villain. We remind ourselves about our victories—no matter how small they may seem —and what we’ve done well. We focus on these new stories to replace the old ones.

When we change the way we see our story, we develop the ability to design our future. We realize that good things are possible, that we can connect with others, and that we can have a sense of purpose. Then we begin with a few actionable next steps, in the form of goals.

TIME BRINGS PERSPECTIVE

What if each of us could see that by taking those next steps, our lives would one day make sense? That our purpose would emerge? What if we could find assurance here and now, in this waiting period, that the pieces of our life will eventually fit together?

Good things take time to unfold. It can take many years for certain events to make sense, and in some cases, we may never know why they happened. But if we choose to keep moving forward, we may discover how they make sense in the context of our greater purpose.

Our story can render us powerless or motivate us to keep moving toward hope. There is always a choice. You must be the hero in your own story—even if you can’t see how it will work out.

HERE’S WHAT I WOULD SAY TO TREVOR AND TO YOU

When we continue to experience pain, isolation, anxiety, and stress, we have to look at the root of the problem. It’s important to notice the story you’ve been telling yourself. It matters because the negative feelings it produces can keep you from moving toward your biggest aspirations.

Are you telling yourself, “Things will never change?” If your story renders you powerless, anxious, or isolated, it’s time to change those habitual thoughts and words.

Use these questions for reflection:

• What story have you been telling yourself? How does that story impact your feelings of self-worth?

• What might be a positive, new perspective on your old situation?

• How can you tell the old story in a way that is life-affirming? How might this new version of your story empower you to make a change in your life?

Steve Jobs, founder of Apple once said, “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do.” Are you telling yourself you can change the world? If you choose to internalize that idea, you can be a world-changer.

The events in your old story may be true. However, your past does not own your future. Begin to tell yourself a new story—one that empowers you.

References: 

Leaf, Caroline (2009) Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions. Published by Inprov, Ltd. pp. 19-20.

Robbins, T., Pesha, M., & Madanes, C. (2013, July 01). “Salt Story”, Robbins Madanes Training. Lecture. Retrieved from https://rmtcenter.com/.”

 

Everything I Would Have Said: We each have a personal story—a narrative we think defines us. For many, it’s about unworthiness, limitation and defeat. Although those negative stories aren’t true, at some point, we believed them. This book is a guide to rewriting our story to reflect who we really are, and gaining the confidence to reach for our dreams. 

Buy the book on Amazon today!